I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
