Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
