So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
