Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Congratulations! We have a period
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
