He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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