it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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