worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize