My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
