I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
