look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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