Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
we have pet lesbian snakes
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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