isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
