I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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