Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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