Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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