I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
