Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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