A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
