i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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