when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize