I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
