: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I want to fling myself into the sun
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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