I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize