I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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