Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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