I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
