They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
