So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
