Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
