Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
then he tried to convert me to islam
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
