I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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