do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
And then my night got REAL pukey
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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