Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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