I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize