he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
