a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
