Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
