I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
