i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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