hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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