Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
