im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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