I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize