new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
