Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
