apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
