I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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