I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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