see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
