It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
