I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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