when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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