I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
