Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
