On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
