you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
