Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
