Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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