why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize