You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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