i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
