Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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