I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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