If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
