Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
