woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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