Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
