Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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